Sonja Lyubomirsky. Jamie Tworkowski. Sarah J. Mind is the Master. Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life. James Hollis. The Way of Integrity. The Dark Side of the Light Chasers. Deborah Ford. Still Here. Redeeming Your Time. Jordan Raynor.
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We are experiencing technical difficulties. Please try again later. Today's Top Books Want to know what people are actually reading right now? Stay in Touch Sign up. Become a Member Start earning points for buying books! The book is filled with the kind of generic bullshit "re I was supposed to read this book for a class.
The book is filled with the kind of generic bullshit "religion" that white people in America seem to looooove. Buddhism, Sufism, and Quakers all make appearances in this book. Blah blah blah, I don't care. Feb 14, Greg Bem rated it it was amazing. My therapist recommended this one to me, and I hesitated but decided to read it anyway. Turns out it's one of the most profound, important books I've ever read. The exposure to so many ideas, even just scratching their surface, has the potential to cause so much positive change, growth, healing in my life, and all from this unassuming small text.
This one will have a permanent place on my bookshelf. I can't recommend it enough for folks who want to know more about themselves and the people they My therapist recommended this one to me, and I hesitated but decided to read it anyway. I can't recommend it enough for folks who want to know more about themselves and the people they attract to or could attract to. Aug 18, Nathalia Rojas.
Beautifully written book about love and relationships. We all need to delve into ourselves before we delve into others. And then enjoy learning about ourselves from our interactions with other self-aware people. Highly recommended read.
Feb 04, Kim added it. If the Buddha Dated is a self-help book about relationships. I know some people really love the things Charlotte brings up, but I had a problem with how incredibly outdated this work is.
I didn't realize it until she used Chaz Bono's dead name in the text. I thought that was incredibly rude because I remember Chaz coming out as trans when I was a kid. Then I realized this was published in and Chaz transitioned in the 's.
That showed me how old this work is. On top of that, Charlotte has If the Buddha Dated is a self-help book about relationships. On top of that, Charlotte has a very limited view of relationships. She focused on partnerships between males and females. She also completely neglected the possibility of polyamory and focused on partnerships between two people.
Again, this could be because of how dated the book is. More than anything, I hoped Charlotte would have talked more about the split between romantic attraction and sexual attraction, and how building a relationship with other people is different depending on how you feel. I'm also not in any kind of relationship, and there were some moments where I could adapt what Charlotte was saying into friendships, but not much.
Maybe I would have gotten more out of this if I was in a relationship? Aside from the things Charlotte left out, I just didn't necessarily agree with much of what she was saying.
Largely when she was talking about how a person doesn't have to dismantle their ego. Maybe it's just because I've been hurt by people who thought too much of themselves, but seeing people with a high ego turns me off to them. Internet friends are pretty immune because my interactions with them are fairly limited but, if I'm interacting with you regularly, I don't want to talk to someone with a high ego.
She also went on this whole thing about reaching out to people who hurt you and, if they don't respond, reach out again and see if they're willing to talk about it, etc.
I don't do that. I used to, but I've learned that I will always feel like I am the problem and I am the thing people want to avoid, so I don't want to prolong the hurt. Having just dealt with something similar, it's easier for someone like me to cut others off. That might sound isolating, but I'm tired of being screwed over.
I'm not going to rate this because I don't feel comfortable rating books that are meant to help people. I didn't get anything from If the Buddha Dated, but it might be worth looking into if you want a short book about relationships.
View all 3 comments. Aug 15, Kimberly Ann rated it liked it. From the back cover:" At once practical, playful, and spiritually sound, this book is about creating a new love story in your life. Drawing from Christian, Buddhist, Sufi and other spiritual traditions. IF the Buddha Dated shows how to find a partner without losing yourself.
Kasl, a practicing psychotherapist, workshop leader, and Reiki healer for twenty years, offers practical wisdom on using the path to love as a means of awakening. If the Buddha Dated teaches that when you stay loyal to your From the back cover:" At once practical, playful, and spiritually sound, this book is about creating a new love story in your life.
If the Buddha Dated teaches that when you stay loyal to your spiritual journey, you will bring curiosity, fascination, and a light heart to the dating process. What do You Want? Going Deeper: Create a Durable Fire 6. This book was recommended to me by someone who was applying this book to his dating life, and it worked for him, so I was curious to read it. Sometimes the problem is actually you — many people have behaviors instilled from their childhood that cause you to react in a certain way.
I liked these messages. The voice of the author on the other hand was a bit hard to relate to. I struggle with white, woo woo spiritual teachers in my own spirituality practice meditation. She went way beyond Buddhism and brought in many different teachings from Quakerism to astrology to handwriting analyses.
It went over the top for me when she tried to apply some of her approaches to her own life— especially the sexual stories. I listened to this as an audiobook. Apr 21, Angel rated it did not like it. This book contains a mish mash of pseudo science and new age talk like energy vibrations, asking the universe for manifestation, horoscopes, reiki, etc.
It contains a small portion of buddhism and it is heard to stay interested with all the new age talk. While I have no doubt the author earned her Ph. It "If the Gullible New Age 21st Century Person Dated" The title is deceptive as it gives the impression of focusing on a Buddhist perspective or as main inspiration but that's not the main idea.
It has always bothered me when such titles show up in the covers of books full pseudo science and new age unproven claims yes, I'm looking at you Deepak Chopra.
Avoid this book Oct 09, Apphia rated it really liked it. Alexandra Katehakis in one of her webinars from her 'mirror of intimacy' series and I'm so glad I read it! It was a light and eye-opening read, packed with consolidated concepts of various spiritual practices and theoretical concepts from psychology shedding light on profound truths in simple terms.
It included great examples and activities to engage the reader find clarity about themselves in the context of their relationships and assume responsibility of themselves and the kind of relationships they're looking for.
Sep 15, Jordan rated it really liked it. Seeks man with similar interests who values integrity, humor, intimacy, family, community, and adventure. A psychological bond takes time to develop. We become adept at making plans and settling differences.
Enjoy hiking, cool jazz, conversations, playfulness. Value openness, warmth, honesty, creativity, and humor. Creativity is the manifestation of spirit coming through us, permeating our lives with curiosity, fascination, imagination, and originality.
One plus one equals far more than two. Such collaboration can be tremendously personal and intimate because our spirit and soul are revealed through our creativity. Man, 42, good-enough looking, carpenter, fit, playful. Come sing, dance, play, and revel in life together. Explore the limits of being alive. Enjoy arts, theater, walks, hideaways. Value warmth, kindness, and honesty. A spiritual bond is created through a wholehearted commitment to completely know ourselves, to be changed, transformed, and affected by another person.
Through the revealed heart we create the shared heart. Although we are committed to our own path, we surrender to the relationship. There is I, You, and Us.
Like two drops of water uniting in the ocean, we exist as ourselves, as a couple, and as part of something greater. Often we become telepathic and able to anticipate what the other is thinking or needing. People with a spiritual union treat their bond like a luminous jewel. Differences or conflict are embraced as something to solve, not cause for attack.
The goal is to return to unity, not to win. When loss or trauma shadows their lives, their bond supports them and they can embrace each other rather than creating distance between them. The union is a continual source of gratitude. People give through tender eyes, honesty, kindness, hiding nothing, demanding nothing, and wanting only what is given in love.
Join me on the magical mystery tour. Spirited woman: art teacher, 43, fit, playful, creative. Seeking like-minded person who values intimacy, integrity, and community to explore friendship, love, spiritual connection.
Interests: jazz, classical music, theater, hiking, canoeing, adventure, movies, and cozy cabins. Tell me who you are. Essence is simply being. We live without mind, memory, or association of past experiences or teachings. There is no separation, just a quiet connection to the still center within us that is connected to that great void in the universe—an energy field beyond thoughts, beyond ego.
When we relate out of essence we are honest, kind, and compassionate. We see people as they are without projections and idealization. At the essence level we are a steady stream of consciousness, alive to the moment, unconcerned about the past or future. If we did it might say, Who Am I? Who Are You? As we incorporate more levels of bonding—particularly the psychological, creative, and spiritual levels—we come closer to living out of our essence: our masks fall away, fear subsides, and we dance lightly on our journey, relishing the details of the passing moment.
It is the daring plunge into the experience of union. To love somebody is not just a strong feeling—it is a decision, it is a judgment, it is a promise. This allows us to take the daring plunge into union. Differentiation is a psychological term, first used by family therapist Murray Bowen, to describe the foundation for intimacy.
At the same time you are open to other people. Differentiation brings a spacious, open feeling, because our mind is free. Fusion, the opposite of differentiation, is when we become enmeshed with someone. They have a headache, we take the aspirin. In many families, fusion is mistaken for love. This attitude inevitably leads to arguing and blaming. It does not allow for two different people with two different ways of thinking, perceiving, or handling situations.
We all started life being completely fused to our mothers. Moving from fusion to differentiation is a developmental process that continues throughout our life. In fact, the process of differentiation completely parallels our evolution on the spiritual journey.
Spirituality and differentiation are simply two frameworks for understanding the same concepts. In the lists that follow, I lay out the traits of fusion, without much explanation, and follow them with the traits of differentiation. You may find it helpful to read these lists on a daily basis or pick out one or two items to focus on. As a cautionary note, the ego, which likes categories of right and wrong, might jump to the thought that fusion is bad and differentiation is good.
There is no good or bad, simply the what is of the moment. We can only change what we are aware of. Measuring self-worth by external validation—praise, grades, money, status, looks, weight, and so on 4. Reacting unconsciously out of childhood conditioning, teachings, or trauma We frequently have sudden flashes of fear, hurt, anger, fear, or resentment that are more intense than the situation warrants.
Defensiveness in the face of criticism, different ideologies, approaches, beliefs 7. Needing to be right or always believing we are wrong 8. Being dependent on others to comfort and soothe us 9. Having difficulty giving to others, or giving with an agenda Engaging in compulsive and addictive behavior 72 If the Buddha Dated Changing our persona or behavior to please or control others Rescuing people, worrying for them, being overly dramatic about problems We remain compassionate and supportive without becoming emotionally entangled when a friend or loved one is anxious, depressed, or going through a hard time.
Instead of absorbing those feelings or feeling responsible to fix the problem, smooth it over, or give advice, and remain a loving witness. Our self-worth remains constant in the face of winning, losing, succeeding, failing, and pain or pleasure because we know our value is inherent in being alive.
We are all sacred beings, interrelated to all life. Developing a set of values through reflection, awareness, learning, and experimentation. Instead of relying on external Fused or Free? This often means casting off much of what we learned in our families, schools, or religious institutions. Feeling comfortable or fascinated by different theories, belief systems, and perspectives. Instead of immediately jumping into our armor—I do it this way—we are curious.
How does that belief work for them, how did it get there, what does it mean? Being able to self-reflect and self-confront.
Well-differentiated people routinely reflect on their behavior and confront themselves. How did I contribute to this problem, this dull sex life, this disintegrating relationship? Why do I stay with this mean-spirited person? We keep the focus inward, owning up to our mistakes, apologizing when appropriate and leaving if the other person is harmful to us.
Asking for and receiving support without feeling weak or compromised. Because we accept our humanness and fallibility, we reach out for help when in need. We realize that by 74 If the Buddha Dated receiving, we are allowing someone else to experience the gift of giving.
The acts of giving and receiving join us together in a circle of connection. Giving without an agenda or the feeling we are giving away a part of ourselves. Well-differentiated people take pleasure in giving from a place of abundance that is free from scorekeeping or hidden agendas.
Seeing others clearly. As we differentiate, we stop categorizing people, drop our expectations and preconceived beliefs, and get to know them for who they are. This allows us to create true intimacy. Learning to comfort and soothe ourselves when faced with stress or difficulties. When faced with anger, hostility, or trauma, well-differentiated people have the inner resources to calm themselves down and step back from the situation rather than reacting impulsively.
Overall, as we differentiate we move from fear to excitement, from separateness to connection, from insecurity to confidence, from seriousness to playfulness and a light heart.
We become able to step back and watch ourselves with kindness, curiosity, and a sense of humor. This puts us on solid ground to create a vibrant, enduring relationship. When we are able to take refuge in ourselves we can merge without fear because we feel whole no matter where we are.
Thus, in the healthy marriage both partners bring the sum of what they are to the union, and each partner is enriched by the Define What You Want 75 other.
In order to achieve this union, each spouse must be open to the other. This was invariably true of the couples I met: they were accessible to each other, readily influenced by whatever the other might have to say.
They listened to each other, they watched each other, they took each other in. Follow after love, and desire spiritual gifts. You thought a great lover had to have hair but you meet a wonderful man who is bald? One woman placed a personals ad and received three responses that interested her. One man mentioned his love of outdoor activities—hiking, canoeing, and camping. Another was involved in numerous community organizations that she admired; he also shared her outdoor interests.
She met all three, and guess what? She felt closest to the motel owner. He had inherited the business, and enjoyed it because it gave him free time to pursue his own interests. He was generous in his service to the community, enjoyed outdoor activities, and most important, he had a kind and loving nature.
When she could step back from her preconceived images and into the experience, she discovered he was truly a pleasure to be with. At the same time, remember your cherished values. Intellect: level of intelligence, use of intelligence and wisdom 3. Interests: hobbies, work, leisure time 4. Spirituality: commitment to a path of truth, integrity, and service Define What You Want 77 8.
Essence: the ability to flow from love, truth, goodness, and power The following steps will help you create a description of the partner you desire. Without censoring yourself, under each of the above headings, write everything that comes to mind that you would like in a partner. Be honest. If thin, good job, thick brown hair, and no addictions come to mind, write them down. If you want someone who is highly intelligent, plays tennis, is of the same religion, or is interested in hiking, say so.
Take time to write down absolutely everything. When you are done, read your list over and reflect on what you have written. STEP 2: Looking at your list, notice where your focus is. Is it on the material and interest level, or is it more toward a spiritual level? Is is spread through all the levels? If you are very concrete about physical appearance and age, ask yourself why. What does it mean to you if your partner is thin? Why must he share your interest in golf?
Why do you want a man with status? Why is it important that someone be conscious of her spiritual journey? Go deep for the answers. STEP 3. Go down your list and rank each item from 1 to 3 based on the following: 1 crucial, nonnegotiable, 2 desired, but not absolutely essential, and 3 nice, but not necessary.
STEP 4: Based on what you have written, write a paragraph describing the person you want to meet. Include values, interests, looks, or whatever comes to you. Use as many as fifty words, but no more. Remember that most people enjoy movies, eating out, and cuddling, so be as creative as possible. STEP 5. Now narrow your list to less than ten crucial words. Then five. Then, can you find one special word that transmits the essence of what you want?
A man who had never answered an ad glanced through the newspaper and felt a jolt when he saw the familiar greeting. It gave him the impetus to pick up the phone and respond. STEP 6. Imagine spending time with the person you just described in your fifty-word paragraph.
Have you considered the values, interests, and qualities you are looking for in a partner? STEP 7. Write a personals ad based on your list. Remember, whatever you do transmits a message. When you write your ad, be your most creative yourself. This exercise brings to mind a middle-aged couple I met at a BMW motorcycle rally. They presented a slide show of their three-year trip traveling together around the world on one motorcycle.
They obviously shared great pleasure in this ad- Define What You Have to Give 79 venture and showed amazing capacity to rest easy when they faced days of delay due to bureaucratic rules or mudslides on a road. Amazed at their ability to spend such extensive time together and seem so comfortable together, I asked them if they had met through a shared interest in biking.
He was looking for someone with no children to travel around the world with him, and she got to know him, tried out being on the motorcycle, and decided to do it. This underscores the importance of being totally clear about what you want, and being open to something new.
He knew exactly what he wanted to do and that he wanted a mate to share the ride. She knew what she wanted in a human being and accepted a complete lifestyle change to be with him.
If you want to hike the Appalachian trail, live in a mountain hut or in a classy apartment in the center of New York City, put it out there. No apologies. The more honest we are, the less confusing we will be to 80 If the Buddha Dated others. Andy answered an ad for a woman seeking a primary relationship. Needless to say, there was a lot of confusion and hurt when Andy showed a lot of interest in Julia—he really did enjoy being with her—but then kept pulling away after being close or after making love.
I placed an ad looking for a man who wanted a primary relationship—I wish you had told me earlier. Go down the list and write everything that comes to mind on each level. STEP 2. Write a paragraph that describes you—all of you this could be from two to ten pages long. Write an ad that you could put in a dating column. Include what you want and what you have to give. STEP 4. You walk in a room feeling half bored, meet someone who excites you, and within minutes your energy perks up, your heart beats faster, your palms start to sweat, and you feel sexually aroused.
Because falling in love is an intense biological experience, we often take leave of our neocortex—the part of our brain 82 If the Buddha Dated capable of reason, reflection, and intelligence—to bask in the pleasurable feelings.
On the other hand, many enduring couples started with intense physical and sexual attraction for each other. They definitely fell in lust before creating an enduring bond. We need sexual chemistry and strong attraction to create a lasting fire with a partner. Certainly many, perhaps most, of these happy marriages began with a strong sexual attraction even if it had calmed over the years.
We need to check if our hormones are working in concert with our heart and mind. To decide on a mate, one of the most important decisions we will ever make, we are well advised to ask ourselves these key questions: Am I attracted to this person out of an adult state, or a child state? Am I attracted out of spirit, or ego? Am I operating from hormones or heart, instinct or wisdom, or a combination of all of these?
When to Trust the Power of Attraction 83 In our adult state we seek a partner or spouse as a lover, helpmate, friend, and companion on the spiritual journey. In our child state, we want someone to rescue us, make us feel important, and provide security, comfort, or a sexual high. This, in turn, can result in irritability, fatigue, and the breakdown of the immune system, leading to chronic anxiety and depression.
This experience truly is love-sickness. When people get hooked on the epinephrine high and seek only the thrill, just about anyone will do. Incidentally, oxytocin is the same hormone that is secreted when a mother nurses her baby. When we combine the knowledge of our biochemistry with our spiritual knowledge, we can see that what is good for our spiritual journey is good for our relationships and for our immune system. There is no separation between the three.
Our thoughts, feelings, cells, hormones, glands, consciousness, tenderness, compassion, sexuality, and integrity are like the pieces in a kaleidoscope interacting with each other, creating the design of who we are and how we feel.
The more they come together as an integrated whole, the more we can trust our attraction. While many therapists and authors of relationship books suggest that the initial fire of a new relationship will inevitably shift into a more settled companionship that replaces sexual attraction, others in the field disagree. If we choose a partner we are strongly attracted to and stay loyal to our spiritual journeys by keeping kind and true to each other, sexual attraction can remain strong.
This adoration for our partner, which helps us cherish each other, even our foibles, helps keep romantic feelings alive. Most of the happy couples Johnson interviewed were still deeply in love, sexually attracted to each other and clearly living in the heart of the Beloved. They had a grace, familiarity, adoration, and unmistakable sexual energy sparkling between them. Second, we need to explore all the conclusions we came to about ourselves as a result of our upbringing.
We need to challenge the chains of assumptions and conclusions we came to so they stop driving our behavior. To explore your level of differentiation from your parents or pri85 86 If the Buddha Dated mary caregivers, go through the following list, rating yourself on a scale of 1 not at all true to 10 completely true for the two most significant caregivers in your past most questions apply if they are deceased.
The lower the score, the more you have differentiated from your parents or adult children. I am afraid to be different from them, disappoint them, or hurt them.
I try to be the opposite of them. I am afraid to be honest with them or to say no to them. I still try to get their approval. I still feel bad that I never got their approval. I still feel hurt or angry about experiences from my childhood. I often make them a higher priority than my partner. I constantly call them, worry about them, or feel responsible for making them happy.
Other people often remind me of my parents in negative ways. They are or were my only close friend or my closest friends. To make peace with our parents is to realize how we are like them, and how we are different from them.
We tend to hate in our parents the very traits that we hate in ourselves. We need to make friends with these parts of ourselves. We may even be unaware of these traits and maintain that we are completely different from them. I went from being a rage-filled teenager to an appreciative daughter with regard to my father. It was a matter of clearing out many layers of hurt and anger so I could get down to the admiration and love that were buried.
This shift was gradual as I was able to step back and see him as a man with a history, a family, and a heritage. He became a flawed but wonderous human being just like all the rest of us—competent and scared, caring and selfcentered, living in a prison of never feeling he had achieved enough.
I now remember him and appreciate his kindness toward my friends, our hikes in the wilderness, his lively intellect and encouragement to question everything—except him, of course. I can now look at myself as a teenager with com- 88 If the Buddha Dated passion, knowing that sending verbal daggers at my father was my primitive attempt to protect myself. The key is to tenderly touch our wounds, explore our false core beliefs, and take ourselves and our parents into our hearts where all healing is possible.
To forgive our parents is often to forgive ourselves. To forgive ourselves is to forgive our parents. Will you meet me there? Clearing out old hurts and resolving conflict is both an internal and external process. Sometimes an old relationship still bothers us because we continue telling ourself stories about how it reflects on us—we were a jerk, stupid, or deluded. In this case we need to question our faulty assumptions.
There may be no need to speak to the other person. Other times, if the person is currently in our life, or we believe a conversation would be helpful, we might decide to talk with him or her.
You may suddenly feel a knot in your gut, a dull ache in your chest, a tightness in your throat when you remember the lover who left without saying good-bye, the time you screamed at your partner and walked out the door, the death of your former spouse, the argument with your brother, to whom you no longer speak.
To become aware of unfinished business in your life, ask yourself the following five questions. Who comes to mind when I think of unresolved grief, hurt, or pain?
To whom do I need to apologize? With whom do I need to talk over conflict and seek some form of resolution? To whom do I need to send thanks? Your list may be long or short. It may also change as you begin the process. You clear the air with one person, and another situation seems to resolve itself in your mind, or you suddenly think of something else you need to address.
If you are serious about a spiritually bonded relationship, take this list and start working through it. While we can sometimes put unresolved conflicts on a shelf, they have a way of falling off and clunking us on the head unexpectedly. We thought we were free from hurt, but when a friend mentions our former lover, we feel a sudden sadness or a sharp burning sensation in our chest.
Apologies rebuild the bridge that gets severed when we hurt someone else, either intentionally or by accident. We simply acknowledge that our actions were insensitive, unkind, or harmful and say we are sorry. Even if the unresolved situation goes back thirty years, it can be a tremendous relief to make amends. Start with the one that seems the most possible to handle. If the conflict dates back a long time, a letter may come as less of a shock than a phone call and give the other person a chance to consider your words and not be caught off guard.
It also lets you express yourself with more thought. But listen to your instincts. The letter or request can be remarkably simple. I have no agenda for the future, but perhaps by talking, we can lay to rest old conflicts and at least feel peaceful when we think of each other.
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